The idea that I became a bug with a baby riding me day and night started few months after I became a mother for the first time. Endless labor toward my first born baby as she woke up every 2-3 hours. Sleepless days and nights passed by, I couldn’t do anything else but nurture this tiny human being, I’d hold her, feed her, burp her, change her diapers, and anything else she needed.
Maybe I was simply exhausted or maybe it was common postpartum depression. I had Abandoned everything else that I used to be and used to do and devoted everything toward my daughter which was of course, exhausting. Was this because I was lacking of the mother instinct or does every mother feel this way some way or the other?
I had all these happy, loving, endless giving feelings towards my daughter as well, but what I was interested in more was this somewhat shameful thoughts inside of me. It was shameful just to think maybe I am not a good mother, why can’t I just be super happy and thankful to this tiny beautiful human being. I couldn’t resist thinking that I am loosing all my personality, my art, and what I used to love, especially art.
I hated to become just someone’s mom and that was exactly what I was at that time. That’s why I started to make simple drawings about my feelings. Especially my dark feelings inside of me that I struggled with.
I used oil pastels & color pencils since those were easy to use and I could make drawing in about 5-15 minutes, the only time my daughter allowed to me.
In this drawing of “Day & Night” I depicted myself as a bug such as a flea or tick. What in my mind was a useless, powerless, and disgusting creature. My daughter puts a leash over my mouth and rides on my back day and night. No rest, No mercy.
I truly enjoyed making a series of exhausted, powerless mother drawings, and I felt like I was honestly expressing myself through my art.
Today my main focus of my work and ideas are still based on motherhood. I am truly thankful to my daughter who allowed me to open up myself toward my work.
